Sunday, June 22, 2008

I hate to have regret




The last time I watched him coach, I never thought to myself that this would be the last time that I see him coach. Over there on the bench, looking so fine in his suit, so immersed in what he is doing. He is a real student of the game and he loves hockey.
Sometimes I am filled with despair, sometimes with sadness and sometimes with hope. Maybe this will work out, maybe he will coach again, maybe the administration will realize what they are missing out on. But probably it won’t work out, the team will be hurt too deeply, there won’t be the depth, there won’t be the support. Admin has said, ‘we never asked for a hockey team’.

Maybe there is another team somewhere that he can be a part of. A team that needs a real leader, a good coach, a team that wants a caring individual, not just some screaming idiot.

Who knows, but for today, there is just sadness and regret…..

I hate to have regret, the last time I saw him play, I missed his goal, I was too busy talking hockey to someone else. In my mind he would always be playing and I wouldn't have to pay close attention tonight.

That night he scored a goal, so slick and rich...and I missed it. Now he won't be playing college again. I didn't know, if I had known I would have paid attention, I would not have let my eyes wander from his grace, his strength and coolness on the ice.

Maybe he will play college hockey again.

Who knows, but for today, there is only sdness and regret....

I didn't know that I would never see her floor routine again, I didn't know, I hate regret. If I had known that she would never scream across that floor and hurl herself in the air with the strength of an ox and the weight of a feather, I would have watched.

I would have never let my eyes leave her frame and I would have studied each and very move on the balance beam, so serious, so steady. I would have cheered as she catapulted herself over the vault.... these things I know will never happen again.

And today for never being able to watch her do those things again, I have only sadness and regret.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Father's Day 2008

Good day, hot day, the whole family was here in various moods and with varying amounts of love. Spud (grandpa??? I am NOT calling him grandpa) and I took Nona (Avery) to the store with us. First to Sam's Club then to Smith's. Funny, funny little girl with tons of attitude. I enjoyed having her with us and so did Bo. It was also just nice to be with my husband. The three of us had a good time.

After a good BBQ of Brats and side dishes we talked and enjoyed all of our children's company. Nice peaceful day.

As it was getting dark, Nona wanted to get in the tub and Spud volunteered gg to get in with her, yet as I eased my tired chubby bod down into the luxery of a hot bath, Nona changed her mind. Then here comes Paul streaking in.

As I scrubbed his skin I told him that we had to scrub his face, neck, front and back and shoulders. If we didn't scrub all of the dirt off, I told him, potatoes would grow in the dirt on his neck!

Flashback to 40 years ago when my Grandma Vannote told me the same thing. Seated on the toilet in the bathroom, right next to the tub, she would scrub and scrub. I told Paul that my gg told me that too and that she would scrub and scrub until I felt raw, but it also felt so good! Then I would fall sound asleep and I told Paul that I never have slept as good as in the bed my gg made me.

I also told Paul that each and everynight at my Grandma Vannotes was always the same bathtime scrubbing and then I stopped. I realized that it was not the same, the last few years that I stayed at her house, before she moved into the assisted living cnter, she asked me to scrub her back and to help her. I was filled with sadness as I realized that I was not there for her like she needed me to be, I started to cry, I loved her so very much and yet I had no clue what was expected of me back then as a tender child.

Yet as tears feel down my face, I was careful with myself and I knew that I did the best I could with what I had and that hopefully she is looking down on me. She knows that I did the best that I could and I know that she loves me still.

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