Sunday, November 15, 2009

Decimation; to almost destroy something; to inflict so much damage on something that it is reduced in effectiveness…

Ken Dolezsar – you were full of life. You came into our lives and took us on an incredible journey that none of us could have gone on without each other. You loved us and we loved you! You taught me about marketing, sales, managing, working in a team and about exuberance for a project.

Most importantly, you were my friend. You were my husband’s friend a
nd how can I convey, how much you are missed.

The tragedy of your death is combined in my heart with the tragedy of th
e decimation of the team. The UVU Hockey team was a creative effort, like a child, that You, Matt, myself and Sara created. No one person was more than the other, the 4 of us, were integral to the effort….we all enjoyed the Hades out of what we were doing….weekend night brought smiles and excitement! Weekend nights always brought a big hug from you, you ALWAYS commented on how my perfume smelled so nice.

My life will never be the same, my husband’s life will never be the same….we miss you Ken, we loved you and always will. May your murderer continue to rot in prison and subsequently roast in hell. Matt will be sitting at his trial in January. 

TRIAL OF man who is accused of killing Ken Dolezsar UPDATE: the trial was scheduled to start several weeks ago, it is now continued for several months. I will post again as soon as I know a better time frame.  

UPDATE: It appears that the trial will begin on April 19th, 2010 and expected to last until May 7th. 

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I turn 50 in a few days………..

akes me sad, makes me cry… much of my life is gone, so much of my life is over… childhood, where did it go?

So many songs and so many song writers, Marie has issues, Michael is dead.

Forgive me for crying, forgive me for being sad, but I remember lazy days of teen-age years; laying on the bed, listening to songs, listening to Michael, dancing to Michael, dreaming, laughing, dancing and planning….Where did all that go? Where did my life go?

The Top 10 Michael Jackson Songs of the '70s

1. "Who's Loving You" (1969)
2. "The Love You Save" (1970)
3. "Never Can Say Goodbye" (1971)
4. "Ben" (1972)
5. "Get It Together" (1973)
6. "Shake Your Body (Down To The Ground)" (1978)
7. "That's What You Get (For Being Polite)" (1978)
8. "She's Out Of My Life" (1979)
9. "This Place Hotel" (1980)
10. "Can You Feel It" (1980)

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Not only was I naked, I didn’t have my debit card.

My husband comes home from work at 7am after a 48 hour shift. I never sleep well when he is gone.

When my hubby comes home, if we don’t need to be anywhere and if we can stay in bed, I usually (within 60 minutes or so of him coming home) get the most satisfying and deepest sleep…. that kind of mind refreshing, body lead-heavy, mouth open, drooling kind of sleep that you can get.

This morning was no different…..ahhh such bliss.

Though, there was one difference this morning… sleep was filled with outrageous dreams. I am going to tell you my favorite.

==I needed something from the store so I get in my car. Just a few blocks from my house, at a stop light, I realize I am naked. I look around to see if anyone can see me. I see a guy standing on the corner waiting to cross the street , he has noticed. He gives me a big grin and then a ‘thumbs up’! Then he starts a strip tease dance! Mortified, I put my car in reverse and slowly inch back behind the cars next to me so he can’t see me. Does any of this humiliation cause me to turn around and go home to get clothes? Nah, dreams really like to humiliate us, so I continue on my way.

I get to the store and find a side entrance. So I sneak in and start ‘sneaking’ around the aisles looking for clothes I can put on. I now realize that, of course I don’t have my debit card, I am naked. A girl clerk comes over and for some reason I thought she would understand my predicament. I get a non committal shrug from her; she doesn’t seem to care about anything I am doing. As I continue to sneak around the store to find something, a t-shirt and some kind of pants, anything. I come across loads and loads of costumes with ruffles and feathers. Wouldn’t that be better than being naked, not in my mind, I’ve got standards!

….so I continue looking and blissfully my dream fades away as I am awakened by a husband who wants to make pancakes, bacon and eggs…so my dream had a happy ending anyway.


My husband says this is the classic dream of not feeling prepared….I say to him, I was born unprepared, and am rushing through my life unprepared.

My husband says the people and the places and things all represent something…at this time I figure that he is the man at the stoplight, as he is always supporting me and giving me the ‘thumbs up’, even on the dumbest of my ideas, his ‘striptease dance’ is his way of always being right there by my side and enjoying everything!

I figure my kids are the store clerk, “yeah whatever”, they say to whatever dumb thing I am doing. They are a pretty confidant bunch, so whatever dumb mistakes I am making, they don’t feel threatened by it!

Well, moral of story, at least I know:

  • I have a loving supportive husband; he’d rather be doing a strip tease dance on the corner than desert me.
  • I have dress standards; rather be naked than ruffles.
  • I have well-adjusted and confident kids/they don’t care if their mom is an idiot.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I have a phobia about taking family pictures!

I have a phobia about taking family pictures. I hate to take one without my children's partners, yet the only one that I have ever done that included the partners, the couples that weren't bound by marriage, each and everyone broke up within a month!

So now, I just hate to do take them! I love all my childrens' partners and I want to include them, but I am terrified that they will break up if I include them....

And....I hate to take a picture and look at them and say "sorry, you can't be included as you aren't part of our family"!!! How rude! Actually they are very much a part of our family, but if I include them, they will break up!!!!!

sooooooooooooooo...this above pic was taken on Matt's B-day, June 4, 2009. It wasn't posed or orchestrated, but when I got it off the camera, I realized that it had our 6 children and Abby's 3 children. It's our Beaudry Blood and that is what we call it.

It is a fun pic and just happened this way. It is prob our one and only pic that we will ever have this way.... I will enjoy it and everyone KNOWS that I didn't make it this way!

It was an accident!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

True Companion............

On our ihome, Bo and I have a playlist that wakes us up. I found this song not too long ago...

I LOVE this song!

HERE is a LIVE guitar version by Marc Cohn

I think of me n Bo and I think of Trey n Hope, Abby n Jake .....I think of all the people that love each other and are or have gotten married and I Just....well, I LOVE this song...

Lyrics to Marc Cohn's True Companion:
Baby I've been searching like everybody else
Can't say nothing different about myself
Sometimes I'm an angel
And sometimes I'm cruel
And when it comes to love
I'm just another fool
Yes, I'll climb a mountain
I'm gonna swim the sea
There ain't no act of God girl
Could keep you safe from me
My arms are reaching out
Out across this canyon
I'm asking you to be my true companion
True companion
True companion

So don't you dare and try to walk away
I've got my heart set on our wedding day
I've got this vision of a girl in white
Made my decision that it's you allright
And when I take your hand
I'll watch my heart set sail
I'll take my trembling fingers
And I'll lift up your veil
Then I'll take you home
And with wild abandon
Make love to you just like a true companion
You are my true companion
I got a true companion
True companion

When the years have done irreparable harm
I can see us walking slowly arm in arm
Just like the couple on the corner do
'Cause girl I will always be in love with you
And when I look in your eyes
I'll still see that spark
Until the shadows fall
Until the room grows dark
Then when I leave this Earth
I'll be with the angels standin'
I'll be out there waiting for my true companion
Just for my true companion
True companion
True companion

Friday, September 11, 2009

My husband is a firefighter

In 1993, my husband was in the job search market, he had a job he loved in a field he was good at. The down-sizing of the early 90's, left him with an awesome severance package and 6 months to find a new job.

It was during this 6 months that he told me he wanted to become a firefighter.

My husband graduated from the City of Denver Fire Department Academy in May of 1994.

After some time, Matt was hire
d by the city of Walla Walla Fire Department.

It was while he was working for Walla Walla that I got a call from him early one morning to turn on the TV. A plane had crashed into one of the twin towers of the World Trade Center.
As the morning unfolded horrifically, I remember each and every minute, where I was and what I was doing. As the day moved into night, and the realization that firefighters just like my husband, had kissed their wives, hugged their kids and gone to work that morning, just like so many other mornings.......were now never coming home. I was overcome with a grief that to this day has never left me. 343 New York City Fire Department firefighters lost their lives that day.

My husband says that he is there for people on one of the worst days of their lives.
My husband and his fellow firefighters walk straight into trouble, while helping others away from it.
It is a sad day when anyone whose life and occupation are committed to helping others is harmed in that dedication. 9-11 is such a very sad day.

May we never forget those who died, may we never forget those who planned and orchestrated such horror.

May we bring them to justice for their crimes.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Groovy Kind of Love

Ann and Bill Tillman; 2 people that were close and loving friends of ours in Colorado. Bill and Ann were always there for us. Devout fundamental Christians, they tried hard to be accepting of our LDS devotion, going so far as to tell Bo that they were concerned for us, but they loved us all the same. No we didn’t believe exactly as they did and they felt we were wrong, but they always loved us and helped us and were right there for us in so many ways.

Ann & Bill and their family On Father's Day 2009

Their kids were our kid’s friends. We had dinner at their house more times than I can count. We all had little farms with chickens, goats, pigs, cows, large gardens, etc. We all worked hard and fended for ourselves as much as possible. Bill was a plumber and a very good one. He had his own plumbing company and took care of many plumbing problems on the eastern prairie of Colorado.

I remember the summer that the prairie was on fire all summer long and Bo was out almost daily fighting grass fires. Some of those grass fires could reach 20 feet in the air! The way the flames raced over the prairie and jumped over the roads made me more afraid and more in awe at the same time, than any other thing I have ever seen! The night that the fires spread towards Ann & Bill’s house, Bo was in the black fighting it, but I was there with my kids and hers and we had hoses on the yards and the barns. I wound up taking all of our kids to safety as Ann & Bill stayed and defended their home. Late into the night, the good fight was won and all was well……

After we moved away from Colorado we lost track of Ann & Bill Tillman and their awesome kids….that is easy to do back in the late 90’s. There was no MySpace or Facebook utilities to ‘keep us connected with the people around us’.

About 5 years ago, we had heard that Bill had been in a horrific car wreck and was paralyzed from the neck down, a spinal fracture, Christopher Reeves type. So awful, my veins ran like ice to think of it. The new responsibilities of Ann, Bill’s wife. How their life had changed overnight.

About 8 months ago we all found each other on Facebook. We saw Bill in a wheelchair with a tube to his throat to breath. I can’t fathom it. I just can’t. He was once so vibrant, strong and healthy. I remember once our well froze up and Bill and Bo crawled down into the deep well hole and were warming and working down there. Bill was athletic and agile. Now, he can’t breathe on his own.

He can type though, at least I think, as we get can correspond with him on Facebook. My most favorite posting of his is in response to Bo’s status which read: Coach Matt Beaudry “is a gnarly bad @ss!” To which Bill replied, “Bring It!”

As a wife married to a man that I adore 95% of the time, I know Ann to be the same. Actually she adores Bill 100% of the time. I cannot imagine what her life is like, or rather I try to and I just nearly dissolve into a fit of depression.

I don’t think Bill can hold her, make love to her, or many of the wonderful things that a man and woman do together. My heart breaks.

Not too long ago, in June I think it was, Ann posted this status: Ann Tillman: THE BEST LOVE SONG OF ALL TIME….PHIL COLLINS “GROOVY KIND OF LOVE”. Just went on a walk with the dog & was listening to Phil on the ipod. Love it.”

Every time I hear this song now I think of Ann & Bill. My heart is broken and yet lifts at the same time, I sob and I laugh.

I know that their strong faith in God sustains them. Ann says, “Enjoy God’s beauty in each day.” And my favorite, “You do what you can, & you let God do what you can’t.”

Ann & Bill, you inspire me. Love you…………

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Ken Dolezsar

Tonight we talked about Ken, today we cried about Ken.

It has been a long hard struggle. After Ken was killed, 2 dads of players on the hockey team made accusations about Matt and I that caused UVU to fire us on the spot.

UVU didn't even ask us about the accusations, they didn't want to hear our response at all.

We were heart broken, still are. The team we built with Ken and worked alongside of with him was broken beyond repair, we could not save it. Ken was disconsolate I am sure and so were and are we.

If Ken were still live, no man would have dared to even try to wrench control of the hockey team from him nor us.

If Ken were still alive Matt and I would still be working hard running and coaching the hockey team. The team would have continued onto great things, instead of the ridiculous sorry state it is today.

If Ken were still alive I would not be having to sue UVU to get paid.

If Ken were still alive Matt and I would not be suing two men that we once thought were friends, whom we had meals with and shared ours and theirs homes with.

UVU did a full 3 year audit of every single penny that went through mine and Matt's hands, they found no embezzling, no inappropriate use of funds, etc....

Everything in ruins, everything we worked so hard for gone.....

Ken would have made all the difference, but for some reason a guy took a gun and shot him.

Matt and I worked with Ken every day for nearly 5 years.

Ken a millionaire sat on my white-dog-hairy couch and never minded, he just wanted to talk hockey and be with Matt and sometimes me.....

Oh if I could reverse the wheels of time.....

On Sept 22nd 2009, the trial starts, My husband will be there for every day he can, his best friend, his best dear, dear friend was cruelly taken from him....

Ken was taken from this world way too soon......

UPDATE on Ken's killer's trail; Ken's family says it now has been postponed until Jan 22nd, 2010.

UPDATE: NOW - It appears that the trial will begin on April 19th, 2010 and expected to last until May 7th.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Marking one’s own body.

Many, many people feel that bodies are for decorating. We tan them, design our hair, apply make-up and even make more permanent markings.

My husband got a tattoo in June. Owen designed it. My hubby thought and pondered over this permanent marking on his body. The impetus for such a permanent marking? His best friend was brutally murdered, and shortly there-after, the business that he and his best friend had created and ran together was destroyed by people bent on revenge and jealousy. He was devastated by the turn of events, but he kept hearing his best friends voice in his mind guiding him and being there for him. His best friend was the true ‘measure of a man’.

“”"The measure of a man's life is in how well he strives to overcome his personal problems. Neither his temporary failures nor life’s unfair reversals or tragedies, and especially not his death, however untimely it seems, negates the value of his personal triumphs. They will go on forever - for him, for those who love him, and for all who follow after."
---Yorgason and Yorgason””

This picture was taken just in July 2009, on a very sweet family vacation. It was the happiest I have seen him in a long time.

Ken meant the world to my husband and hence, the major symbol of the design is a compass. The rest of the symbols you will have to ask him about……..

Thursday, June 18, 2009

What a Week!

Going back to Indy was so many things.....

I loved all the racing we watched and I LOVED sharing the racing with my kids and Bo.

Trey proposed to Hope while we were there...very romantic!

I adored all the time with my kids!

When we were on the airplane, it was just me and Tuff and Bo. That was so sweet!

Bo and I totally reconnected with Tuff. I love that boy, well both of them!

For most of the week, Owen and Emily shared a bed in the same room as Bo and I. It seems that between Hope n Trey and Owen n Emily, everyone was getting their lovins in except for Bo and I! Very sad for us!

Though on a sadder note, going back home made me realize all the reasons we left there, namely my husband hated it there. He was like a fox in a trap, he literally chewed his foot off to get out of there. He got very quiet and sad in Indy too. He told me that he was sad about realizing what we would have become had we stayed there. I never got a chance to ask him all the details, but I gathered he was still happy that we didn't live there anymore.

We saw our old house, what a treat, the place looks good, but there was no nostalgia for me....none for Bo either. We enjoy the life we have created and do not miss what might have been back in Indiana.

The only thing that I truly miss in Indy is my family..Mark n Paula, Monica, Niko, Ryan, Jason, Dean n Karen, Morgan, Curtis, Shirley n Sonny, Laura and her family. I will have to post about my lunch with my life long friend.

I cherish the time we had there and I enjoyed every minute of our trip...

Though...I miss my kids now as we all came home and they scattered. Time to have a Sunday BBQ I guess! Just in time for Father's-day!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

This is it....

In just a few short days I will stand in front of my childhood home, a home of many memories....
(be sure that you click on the picture of the house and look around)

For my family now, this home was the place where I met my handsome hubby, where I first kissed him, where we first made love.... ( oh yeah...)

I cut his hair (my first time) in the upstairs bathroom.

I brought our brand new baby girl, Sara, here to live when she was a week old. Abby was conceived and joined us in this house almost 4 years later.

Bo and I lived here for nearly 5 years....we learned about each other, we learned how to be married and how to be parents.

Sometimes it wasn't easy, but it was fun! Still is....

Love Struggle: Paintings by John Gwinn, shown is titled, 'The Beginning'

Saturday, April 18, 2009

I love my boys.....

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Thursday, April 2, 2009

Such a great day!

Such a great day!

When I decided to start snowboarding:
· I was worried that I was too overweight.
· I was worried that I would be laughed at.
· I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to do it.
· I as worried that I would get hurt.
· I was worried that it would be too hard.
· I was worried that if I didn’t learn to snowboard that I would spend another year dropping my kids off at the mountain and driving away in tears. I knew that I was missing out on something special.

I had two goals for snowboarding:

· Being on the mountain with my kids.
· Getting exercise.

I accomplished both of these. Last Friday (March 28th) we went to Park City. What a great day for me snowboarding! Look at my pictures! I met my goals! I am on the mountain with my kids, we are laughing and having a great time.

**A special treat is what has happened between me and my handsome hubby, we have had a great time on the mountain together. We laugh, we kiss, we even had a little fight (he made up pretty good).

Such a great day!

I finally learned to link my turns at the end of the day. I as so tired that I would have to stop half-way down the mountain to rest. I was so bummed at the end of my final run! I wanted to do more, I had finally started ‘getting it”. I was just too tired to keep going. As it was I could hardly walk to the car, I could hardly get out of the car after the ride home and I hobbled around on sore legs for several days afterwards.

All in all, it was SUCH A GREAT DAY!

I FINALLY DID IT!!! I rode the lift!

ok, so it took my family getting me to go to Park City to snowboard to finally get me on a lift.....

story goes: I was scared to death to ride the lift. Not sure why, maybe of falling, maybe of getting smooshed under it like Hope did once, but I was scared to death to do it.

But, we knew we were going to the UVU Rodeo Team Rodeo in Heber on Friday Night (3/28/2009) and it was Sara who said, “Let’s go to Park City snowboarding Friday day since I have to work up there all day anyway and then we can change and go to the rodeo after. I said ok! I was a little worried though, “what about riding the lift?” “Piece of cake!” they all said. It was all of them too, a huge family outing was planned to Park City for that Friday, newly hired Park City Snowboard Certified Instructor Owen, Sara (who was also there taking care of her ski racers for Westminster), Winter, Tuff, Matt Guthrie (foster son), me and Bo.

Here is a video of me riding the lift for the first time in 25 years with a snowboard on my feet. Do you see the panic and fear in my face?

Now watch as I fall off the lift at the end of the ride.... lol!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Snowboard Sunday

Here is a video as am swamped with school work, I will edit and review later, but just so that you know that I am actually attempting this: here goes.

Monday, January 26, 2009

A confident man creates the feeling of trust with a woman.

A woman will feel emotionally safe with a man who is emotionally available, honest, trustworthy and authentic. These are emotional character strengths she can respect and admire in a man.

A man of character and emotional depth is a man who knows who he is and likes himself. His love for himself is so strong he does not need to gain the acceptance of others by trying to be something he is not.

His strength is not physical so much as it is in the clarity of his mind and emotions. These are character strengths that a woman not only admires, but feels safe with. He is not a weak man that will bend to the whims of other people.

She can trust him to be who he is. This kind of man is described as being in his emotional integrity. --- Gary van Warmerdam

Sunday, January 25, 2009

FORTUNE COOKIE FRIDAY - 'You find beauty in ordinary things. Do not lose this ablity.'

In the winter I am always overcome with the way the sun comes over the mountains. I have said this many times, "look at the way the sun comes over the mountains." This is of great amusement to my kids for some reason.

I am not talking about a sunrise where I am standing in front of the mountains, I drive in the shade of the mountains, going north or going south. I see the mountains with the sun coming over me. I see it from the bottom of the sunrise.

There is so much beauty and hope in the way that the sun comes over the mountains. There are these rays of light from the east that come first horizontal and then they start to slant down.

It is so pretty, there is always snow and many times the sky is beginning to be bright blue.

I know that I will never lose my ability to find beauty in this ordinary thing.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

That was fun!!! Here we go again....

Photo Tagging.....I had so much fun on the last one I am going to double the fun....eighth photo folder - eighth photo - tell about it.....

Bo n Tuff, that is the title. My husband Bo, who I am absolutely crazy about or because of, not sure which, any given day it changes....and Tuff.

Bo is working at Provo Fire Department Station 3. That is where the training tower is. I had taken Tuffy to visit his poppa and we climbed up into the top of the training tower, that is about 4 stories high. I had my camera with me and took some really nice pictures of the two of them.

Have you ever known a boy who was completely simbiotic with his father? This little boy is, he thrives in his father's presence.

Tuffy has had no easy life and somedays things are hard. I have to say that there has never been a more patient father than my husband with his little Tuff-man. Bo/Matt has always been that way with the little ones, but for Tuffy he found extra.

This picture was taken, well my computer says; Tuesday, July 27, 2004, 9:47:18 PM and that is probably exactly right.

I am tagging Matthew Garner and Jen Atkinson, whom I got this idea from. BTW Jen, I was deeply touched by your comments about your 4/4 photo tag....

Photo Tag

Tagging....multiple meanings, this is a fun one....go to your photo files, go to the fourth folder, fourth picture and tell about it:

Abby's baby shower w/Paul at her in-laws, the Wilson's in Ogden. This would have been June I think, maybe July of 2004.
Great day, I love how Tuff is sitting on the arm of the chair with his face all scraped up.
I tag Sara, Abby, Zannah and Angie...

My kids have spoken....

Well...... my kids have decided that I need to post another post...I resisted saying that my last post, "when a man is mean ot his woman" was a very special post to me. I felt it was my most creative yet and very beautiful. Sara responds with, "yeah in a Schindler's List kind of way". So more posts coming.......

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