Wednesday, December 7, 2011

32 Years ago today....and then 17 yrs ago...Mornings of December 7th are nice...


December 7th....This guy has been my husband for 32 years....sometimes we don't get along, sometimes we fight, sometimes we fight ALOT, sometimes he is not so good to me, sometimes I am not so good to him....but when I saw this picture from our Oct 2011 Fam Photo Shoot and how much fun we still have being together......I think that we should keep working at it until we get it right.....

And then on December 7th, 1990, I remember that was a frosty cold day on the prairie of Colorado that I birthed Winter Rose at home in my bedroom and her poppa, my hubby Bo, just barely caught her in his arms and changed her name to Winter Rose

Happy 17th Birthday Hunny!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

RIP Dan Wheldon & James Packard and others the track has taken...

Betty, Lisa and Jim Packard at Indy 500, May 1960
I was born to a millionaire, but he didn’t know it then. There were still races to win and years to live. He would have let me work with him in the business because he trusted my mother and I am like her, smart and business-minded. He would have built a great empire in the racing world had he lived....I would have been treated like a princess, a real southern brat, I meant belle.

Dan Wheldon with the Borg Warner Trophy
But it didn’t work out the way it was supposed to. My daddy he got killed in a race car in Fairfield, Illinois on my mother’s birthday. I was 11 months old and missed him every day, ‘where was my kiss, daddy?’, ‘where was my daddy?’ My mother, who was very pregnant with my brother couldn’t answer, choosing unconsciously, protectively to stare out the window without a tear. Stoic she felt was the best way to handle this event, but in so choosing she drove a wedge between me and her that no one could ever figure out how to remove.  She grieved him more in later life it seemed than at that moment, but people grieve in different ways. I learned to understand her and let go, but the wedge remained to remind us of our loss.

My brother, on the other hand, grieved a grief few know of; when we were young and skipped school together and sat by the creek smoking mom’s Viceroys, he would say as he looked at me, “I never felt my father’s touch.” .....What do I say his pain? I just puffed and handed him the cigarette for his turn…. within a few years I would do the same with a joint and we would feel a bit mellow but the pain remained and does still. 

Dan Wheldon died October 16, 2011
I was at a race once, after being a mom myself for nearly 30 years and I happened to turn my head just right to see a young girl of maybe 10 or 11 give her daddy a hug. He was dressed in a driver’s suit and turned to walk after his car as it was pushed from the garage towards the starting line. I choked on my emotion and I couldn’t breathe. If there is a God, please don’t let that be the last time that she gets to hug her daddy. 

Dan Wheldon at Las Vegas Raceway where he died on the track 2011

It happened again today, another child’s daddy taken by the track, so young and oh so sweet his boys looked in all the pictures I poured over,  driven to find, driven to relive as if somehow watching the horrific crash would scald the pain residing in me into numbness

But no such luck, the witness, the pictures, the YouTube just made my pain more sharp and raw.   

Now there is nothing left to say, there are no words, and to steal a phrase from a woman that has experienced such pain and sorrow, death comes quietly as if on cat paws in the night.  

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I am EQUAL.....

I was happy to see a picture of a couple getting married. They were obviously in love, you can see it in their faces.  

For some this picture causes is a picture of 2 men, more so it is a picture of a United States Military Officer marrying his partner.

For me? I am happy for them....there needs to be more love in the world, more romance, more understanding, more tolerance.

As a young girl I was exposed to intolerance, bullying, division, racism and more at an early age. Born at the end of the 1950's, racism was still alive and well, even in my extended family. 

As a 4 and 5 year old I was brutally treated by my neighbors, not just the kids, but their parents. Why? Because my mom was a widow and refused to marry immediately after my fathers death. That was a time when a woman 'HAD TO HAVE A MAN' and how dare her to not remarry soon. My mom on the other hand was young and shell-shocked to be widowed so soon after her marriage to her soul-mate. She was waiting for a guy that would be a good father to me and my brother and a good husband to her. It was a tall order and she never found a guy to be both instead marrying a good companion for herself when I was a senior in High School.

The people of my small town could not fathom such a thing and it created such agitation in them that they grew angrier and angrier and more brutal as the years went on.

I remember as a young girl, maybe 8 or so, calling my classmates to see if they could play. Their parents would get on the phone and say, "Don't call here again, you can't play with our kids."  - the reason was that my mom was single.

When I was in third grade the kids started bringing to school the anger that their parents carried, one day during PE some girls through my clothes in the wasn't just any outfit, it was a cherished jumper that my very elegant and charismatic Grandma Juanita gave was zebra striped and I felt so glamorous and pretty in it.....I came back to the bathroom to find it stuffed in the brings tears to my eyes to this day.

Even the teachers bullied me, one going so far as to pull my ponytail so hard during lunch that it brought tears. I never went back to lunch at school. That was a time when we got an hour lunch to walk know, all mothers were at home waiting for their kids....only the poor, stupid kids had to stay at school for lunch and the teachers hated being there. I never went back....when my mom found out that I was going home for lunch she had me take my brother too....I was happy to take him as I loved him and we were company for each other.

My brother was always quieter than I was, God only knows how he was treated at school and in the I started cooking lunch for my brother and I at the tender age of 8 or 9. We were in Junior High before we knew that you are supposed to brown the hamburger before you put in the Manwich sauce.

Things always got worse, never better, both my brother and I barely escaped with our sanity from our small town and I am not sure that what you call sanity is what we live in to this day, but we are both happy, mostly and successful.

These years of mistreatment just because I was different, because we were different, ingrained in me a fierce understanding of what it feels like to be different and I will defend over and over again those that need defending.....

To quote someone else, "I have a dream when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, whom they love or how they look, but by who they are."

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Casey Heynes has had enough and body slams bully....

I heard about this video and searched into the wee hours of the morning to find a posting of it that I could download. 

Youtube has banned it and I wanted all to see it....please forgive is horrific to see this gentle giant bullied.....

Also forgive the graininess of this video, but it must be seen none-the-less.  

Here is what I could find about this young man Casey.

"Australian student Casey Heynes —an unofficial anti-bullying PSA posterboy—when he was captured on video bodyslamming a bully that had hit him in the face.  The (much smaller) bully taunted and hit Casey after school while other kids laughed and videotaped the whole incident. 

Eventually, the much-bigger Casey could take no more, as he picked up the scrawny antagonizer and smashed him hard onto the concrete.

The youtube description states that Casey's had enough. He "has been bullied his whole school life," says the video description, "and this is what happens when he snaps!!" 

The YouTube page provided the following information, allegedly from Casey’s friend’s father:
“This 16 year old kid has been tormented every single day of his short high school life – and today he snapped!! He was suspended and may be looking at criminal charges, all because this little runt thought he could make an example of Casey in front of his “tough buddies!!”

There are facebook pages to support Casey who allegedly has been suspended from school.

So many people are showing support to this young man...

Casey Heynes - Bully Slapdown - group trying to raise a scholarship fund for Casey

Casey stands there and takes a slug and then another one, he is a gentle giant...he doesn't want to hurt anyone, he is trying to say, "hey, leave me alone" the bullies friends are videotaping so they can show how 'tough' they are as they bully another boy.

Casey trys again to deflect another punch and then another.

He has had it and instead of punching, because punching is bad, he wrestles the bully and then picks up the kid and slams him to the ground....

Listen people, in a young boys mind picking up and slamming your attacker is much less violent than punching him in the face....Casey did all he could....

All he wanted was to get away....Please watch as Casey is walking away! I can guarentee you that he is crying, he never wanted to hurt anyone!


Kudos to the girl who steps in to stop the other bully from going after Casey.....


How can a boy be bullied everyday and no one give a DAMN and stop it?

Where are the school administrators?

Where are the parents?

Where is anyone to give a damn?

We as parents need to get involved!

We have to take a stand and stop bullys, we need to teach our kids to take a stand and stop each and every bullying act they see and to immedaitely come home and tell us what happened. 

We as a people need to take a ZERO tolerance against bullying!


Thursday, March 3, 2011

'Kiss and Tell' - Brandon Davies and Danica Mendivil

Brandon Davies BYU suspended player
I thought that every young man was taught that he wasn’t supposed to kiss and tell, but here we have Brandon Davies tearfully admitting to his entire damn locker room that he had sex with his girlfriend…OH MY GOD! I have heard of tragedies in my day, but I don’t think that the tragedy of making love to your girlfriend of 3 years is one that needs to be confessed to the whole damn locker room….shame on the people that either expected it, wanted it or condoned it…

Today we have heard so much rhetoric about premarital sex and the arguments for and against as they were bantered back and forth. A young man has most likely thrown away a pretty promising career and maybe even that of a few of his friends because he was taught that premarital sex was bad, and then he went ahead and loved his girlfriend and made love to her anyway….

Wow… here is what some of the players had to say according to, Davies is said to be, "extremely remorseful, heartbroken" a source told The Tribune. The team's best player, Jimmer Fredette, recounted Davies' apology. "He told us everything. He told us he was sorry and that he let us down," Fredette said. (told them everything???)

Brandon Davies girlfriend Danica Mendivil
Heartbroken? Tearful? This poor young man and his girlfriend, Danica Mendivil, a freshman on the volleyball team at Arizona State University, most likely will never sleep together again or with anyone else. Talk about making someone feel really awful about sex!

Now I am not saying that BYU should not have done what they did. If players were required to wear purple toe nail polish, then they gotta do just that, what rules the coach makes, or school makes, well those rules are followed or you are off. Brandon knew all about those rules. 

But what concerns me is the tragedy of two young people who obviously care for each other...and then were made to feel that they have done such a terrible wrong that it required tears and locker room confessions! 

I really believe that this whole story is about 2 people who love each other.  The world does not need more sexually messed young people, and this is exactly what is happening here. I feel sorry for Brandon and Danica…and not because they have ‘sinned’!

Sunday, February 27, 2011

I want to go down in history as the old woman who loved facebook!

My dear friend Tom Henry, Professor at UVU, posted this as his facebook status one day:

I used to think Facebook was the pinnacle of narcissism, the summit of self-love... but now, I think of Facebook as: The Happy News... babies born, cute kids adorn, engagements, marriages, baptisms, old friends getting together, hot chicks, cool dudes, pictures of my hot wife at my disposal, old friends, new friends, family members, interesting commentary, weird videos...


I want to go down in history as the  50 year old woman who loved facebook! 

Here is my response to his status post: 

Oh Tom! You have it so right! Some people like to pontificate on here, but by far and away the huge majority of facebook  is connecting...connecting!  

Connecting is a lost art in these crazy days...facebook is our way of connecting and reconnecting with all the people that we care about, just as you said:...
" we get to see babies born,  cute kids adorn, engagements, marriages, baptisms, old friends getting together, hot chicks from my past and present, pictures of my hot wife at my disposal, old friends, new friends, family members, interesting commentary, weird videos".....

...and then we get to hear about the bad news that we would have missed if it weren't for our facebook homepage news feed...even if all we can respond to our friends tragedies and bad news is with a simple, "oh I am so sorry, I care"...that is so much more than we would have done if we didn't have facebook to connect us.....

So many times in the darkness of life, my simple facebook status has rallied my friends around me and they have sent short sentences of caring, concern and support....this outpouring of friendship and love would never have happened if I did not have a 'social utility to keep me connected with my friends and family'.....facebook is an incredible way to stay connected! 

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day Hunny......

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and much like lots of every other days.....we will be busy at new jobs, overwhelmed inside with each of our individual worries and collective family concerns....

There won't be presents, a card or two, just another year that things didn't work out to make it a priority to doing something nice for each other ON THE DAY...

Yeah I wanted to get you a watch, and you wanted to get me a car stereo, but LIFE GOT IN THE WAY as it always does.....

So here we sit, miles away form each other, missing each other, both wondering what the future holds...

I forgot to get my kids a dang thing....

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I just totally messed it up and life got in the way..........

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Struggling to keep my head above water....

I did this like I do so many things in my life. I jumped right in, both feet first, fully clothed, even my shoes still on, wearing a down parka and jeans. 

Now as I look for someone to help me as I struggle to keep my head above water from the constant weight of a 40 hour a week job, my last semester of my Bachelor degree, the guilt of leaving a young child in the care of others and the loneliness, the aching loneliness of being gone from my home and family…..I see that I left my support system behind…I don’t know how much of one that I had, but whatever I had, I keenly feel it’s absence.
Life only gives you what you make it...
 I never really thought much about down the road; what this would all look like in a month, 3 months or a year, I just knew that I had to do it.

Damn this economy and damn this life that a mother can’t figure out how to be a mom and work and make good money. 

I find myself at 50, chubby and smart…where do I fit in? I work with great people, but I didn’t bust my ass for a Bachelor of Science in Business Management to sit on a dialer all day long.
I worked so hard to build so much momentum for myself. I know it will pay off, but patience has never been a virtue of mine.

Friday, January 14, 2011

......the saga of a newly working mom....

My first day going to work December 27th, 2010

In the blink of an eye, and with no fanfare what so ever, on Monday (December 27th), I joined the rank of working mothers. 

I have worked on and off for decades, but always from my home and with my own schedule. Now I work a regular 8-5 job with regular rules and of course regular pay. 

My thoughts run the gamut, my feelings hurt, I am euphoric.  After 30 years of birthing, breastfeeding and raising 6 kids, I had always thought that my reward would be something quite different than getting up 5 days a week at ZERO-dark: thirty and leaving my home. Due to this down-turned economy, ‘The Great Recession’ was my reward. No matter how hard I try, I can truly find no real person to blame.

So far I have battled extreme guilt, anguish and second thoughts about leaving my kids and my home. I wonder if the guilt ever truly goes away and  maybe someday I will know, but for now my youngest at home is 10 and in a few short years he will be just fine hanging out with his friends and looking forward to when Mom gets home with dinner and smiles, so he can be with her….

Euphorically I look forward to the pay and a chance to be part of a team that provides the sustenance for our family to live in and navigate this world. My pay gives my family the chance to have dependable vehicles, warmer houses, newer appliances that don’t break down, better educations and so many other things.
In a few shorts weeks my life changed so much and I am sure the upcoming months will only give me more of the same. 

We move into a new house within a few weeks, leaving behind family and friends that mean so much to us. So very much to me.

Last week we bought a new car and will hire before and after school care for Tuffy. I most likely will pare down my push for my degree taking only 3 classes this semester instead of 5 and that will leave 3 classes to complete in the summer. I will still ‘graduate’ April of 2011 by ‘walking’ in graduation ceremonies, but not receive my diploma until the missing classes are completed in the summer.   

My husband begins a new job with Homeland Security and will be home every night and ALL holidays, unless there is an emergency, then he reports to the ‘command center’.   

I hope these changes bring goodness and hope to our family and not sadness and regret. 

For now the only way to go and the only thing to do is to push forward…I am grateful to have a job in such uncertain times, I am grateful for cool kids and a husband who wants to be the best husband a woman can have. 

I will do my best to be as wonderful as my children and my hubby.

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